The holidays, Christmas to be exact, can be a wonderful time, filled with family, fun and lots of food. It’s also a season when we decorate our homes, store fronts, offices and public spaces with the most festive decorations and trinkets. Perhaps you may be thinking that this journal entry is about a colorful holiday, and you’re not entirely wrong. This entry, ‘Holiday Hues’ is more about emotions then decor. Hopefully this will encourage someone who may be experiencing a bit of the same.
Dear Self…
As I sit and listen to the laughter of my children, I can’t help but bask in the gift of togetherness. My son is home from college for the holidays. Although I have had to settle the occasional sports disagreement between him and his sister, I love it here!
I smile listening to their conversations. I take in every chuckle and breathe it out as gratitude. My tea moments are spent slowly taking in the Christmas decor that we usually put up right after Thanksgiving. Why after Thanksgiving? Because my November baby won’t let us be great until after her birthday. As I roll my eyes and sip my tea!
The Beginning
Who would have thought that at one point I actually thought I would never be able to enjoy the holidays ever again. Sounds a bit dramatic, but it’s exactly how I felt. The year my daughter was born was a year filled with silent fear and renewed faith. It was the beginning of the holiday hues for me.
After hearing the doctor tell us he was unsure what to make of a routine scan my heart sank. There was an ocean of fearful thoughts. This scan was supposed to be an exciting revelation of whether we would be having a boy or girl. Instead, we were grappling with thoughts of uncertainty on if she would even make it. Seems like just yesterday!
Holiday Due or Holiday Hues?
She was due in December, but in her typical, dominant fashion, decided that she would arrive in November. Well, she wouldn’t stay in the head down position, also known as an ‘unstable lie’, so given the already delicate and unknown prognosis, it was best to have a c-section as early as was medically safe. What can I say? She has always been…. determined!
We were not in the Christmas mood at all. Nothing about that year felt magical and, in all transparency, a heavy fog had settled over me. I was tired and terrified all at the same time, but I mustered up what little energy I had before we left for the hospital and decorated the tree. After all, we had another child who was already accustomed to seeing a decorated tree each year and who equally loved the holiday time. I remember thinking if we were going to have a tree that year, it was then or never.
The Reality
Fast forward to the day we walked back into our home weeks later. The moment I walked through the door and looked at that tree I knew it was one of the best decisions I had made during that time. I wish I could say that the moment I laid eyes on that tree the fog lifted, and all was well in the world again, but it was not. I still had the holiday hues. But what that tree did for me was make me feel a sense of normalcy. Yes, we still had a new baby with what seemed at the time like a daunting prognosis, but we were all home, together.
Inevitably, I was right, I had little to no energy or time when we returned home to this new reality. No time to sort out my feelings or thoughts and certainly no time to decorate for the holidays. In fact, it still didn’t feel like our normal, festive holiday season. We didn’t feel jolly and most days I didn’t even feel like eating. This was my reality, my experience.
Holiday Hues or Holiday Blues?
I wish I could say that things rapidly got better for me emotionally. Truth is, I struggled. I struggled to get out of bed, struggled with intrusive thoughts, and struggled with my faith. It was difficult to understand why us, why her. I prayed myself to sleep each night and every day I put one foot in front of the next, mainly for my family, trying to find some Christmas cheer.
My emotions were all over the place and that’s when I dubbed it the holiday hues. No, not the holiday blues…. the holiday hues. It was the best way I could describe this plethora of emotions. One moment I was overjoyed at our newest addition. Her unique personality was already shining through. The next moment I was angry or crying. It was like throwing different paint colors everywhere and not knowing where it would land or how it would turn out.
Holiday Hues for Who?
During this season especially, I think of all the mothers who have had to face the diagnosis of a child’s disability. I also think of all the mothers and fathers who have had to deal with the loss of a child. It may seem like these are two different extremes but, in a way, they share some commonalities.
When a mother is told that her child will never be able to do something, especially something that is commonplace, it can feel like losing that child. You never actually realize how many hopes and dreams you have for your children, even before they are born, until a dream seems shattered. I would never downplay the actual loss of a child, but I imagine the emotions are very similar and very real.
Holiday Reflection
As I sit here reflecting and writing during this holiday season, I sit in the seat of gratitude and soak in the abundance of grace God has extended to me over these years. While the fog took a while to completely lift, it did eventually and for that I am thankful. No, things aren’t perfect. There are still challenges to navigate and some fears that arise from time to time when thinking about the unknown, but I have learned to quickly give those over to God. And I can truthfully say that my entire family loves and enjoys the holidays.
I have a deeper understanding of the varying emotions others experience during difficult times. It has helped me to extend grace more often than not. So, as I sit in this moment, listening, smiling, and reflecting, I say a prayer for all those navigating their holiday hues. I pray that they understand that just like art, life is subjective. Our styles and hues may vary but we’re all masterpieces in the Master’s hands.
Gratefully ~ Me